My mom and I have always had a pretty good relationship. By that I mean that we have a great ability to spend time together without any fighting like most mothers and daughters, and that we have some common interest in books, movies and music. I like my mom, she is starting to get a little weird and that drives me crazy, but I do like her.
Recently while my sister was visiting we were talking about childhood issues and it came out how I was always expected to allow my brother to have whatever he wanted and I just had to deal. Example: When I was in middle school my mom had a lot of meetings and was gone in the evenings quite a bit. So, she would leave my brother and I an easy dinner to either make (meaning I made it) or already made. The most common one in my memory is Hamburger Helper Cheeseburger Macaroni......Now I happen to like hamburger helper to an extent, it helped me survive college but to this day I hate with a passionate loathing - Cheeseburger Macaroni. I believe there are a few reasons for this. 1) I had to prepare and eat way to much in those middle school years. 2) I never really liked it anyway, but it was what my brother liked. And that is the one that gets me....it didn't matter what it was, if Mitch wanted it he got it...my feelings on the matter were not important. I remember a night that my mom was getting ready to leave for her meeting and telling me that we would have the nasty ass cheeseburger mac for dinner and me telling her that I hate the stuff. Her response was that "Mitch likes it, so thats what we are having" Of course this could be me rewriting the memory, but thats what I remember....
This is just an example...most things were this way. What we watched on tv, what movies we rented, if I made something for myself (like cookies) I was expected to share no matter what. One time I was so mad at him for being a jerk over my not wanting to share jello with him (yes, jello) - basically I had friends coming over, I made jello as our dessert my dear brother insisted on having some and his response to my no was to hit me and take it anyways. So, I put some of the jello under his pillow knowing that when he climbed into bed he would slide his arm under said pillow to get comfortable. It was great and he was so mad...I of course got into trouble but to this day I think it was worth it.
Back to the point. I was at my moms the other day and she brought up these feelings of resentment I have. She is worried that she and I don't have the relationship that she thought we did because I have hidden anger against her. I explained that I don't really have any anger towards her...I don't even hate my brother the way I used to. I also had to explain to her that because when I was much smaller I had promised her I would never give her the grief that Mitch and Mel did that I tired very hard all my life to not be a pain, to be sweet and kind and giving. And that meant that I sacrificed my own comfort in many situations. I didn't always hold up my promise (see jello incident) but for the most part that has been my role in the family. It wasn't until I was pregnant with Miles that I started to assert myself, and that was only because it wasn't for me, it was for my child.
When Miles is all grown am I going to be worried that things I did to him as a child will still be affecting our relationship? I suppose that will depend on what kind of relationship we have. My mom and I do have a good thing, I even consider her a friend. But at the same time she doesn't really and truly know who I am and where I come from. So many things in my life I have never shared with her or with anyone in my family. I am uniquely me and the role I play when I am the daughter or the sister is not necessarily the true me, just like when I am "employee" or "neighbor" or whatever....they are all parts of the roles we play in life and how we live up to the expectations of those we seek love and approval from. Deep down I am still me, they are all aspects of me. Is this wrong? Doesn't everyone live that way?
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2 comments:
To a point, we all put on those different faces and play those various roles.
It all comes down to being yourself, the root, and the different roles you play end up being branches and extensions of yourself.
Depending on the person, they may never see the real person hidden away behind it all, and that's generally their own shortcoming.
I'm a completely different person when I'm hanging out with my dad, than say, when I'm hanging out with friends or with the band.
So yes, to answer your question, I'd say we all live that way in varying degrees. Some just hide more than others.
I think if having kids has shown anything in technicolor for me, it's that we will worry about our affect on our kids until the day we die...and maybe a few years after that. Your mom probably had no idea she was favoring Mitch - a lot of women in that generation were taught from birth that men get first dibs, so that they react to things without even knowing what they're doing. The fact that you two are friends now shows that there wasn't a lack of love or affection, maybe just a tiny lack in judgement on her part.
My mom had just as many blips in judgement - and she didn't even have sons :) Luckily she has just as many blips in judgement now as she did then, so I have the luxury of focusing on the injustices I'm experiencing now instead of dwelling on the past...
As for the roles we play, yeah, I think everyone does it. Even the people who claim they don't, they do it too. Just like you go to different people for different things based on what you need at that moment, you show people different sides of yourself depending on the situation and what's required. You are still you in each of those situations, but it'd be pretty silly if you made funny animal noises and checked peoples' diapers when you were in a meeting at work, right?
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