Extraction

I used to have nightmares where all my teeth would break and fall out. Upon waking I would be incredibly stressed out. It was horrible. I am not sure what those dreams meant, I always figured that it was a symbol of losing something, or of bad health...not really sure. But now, in real life I am losing a tooth because it has broken twice now and it just can't hold up to the stress anymore. I never thought I would be starting to go toothless at my age and it makes me really sad to be losing a part of myself that I have had for so long. Funny, I didn't feel that way about my appendix, I was perfectly fine with that going away, but then again you don't build the same relationship with a useless piece of intestine as you do with a part of your mouth that you use everyday. Am I being absolutely ridiculous about this? I know that once it is gone I will feel better, it will no longer harbour infection, it won't hurt everytime I eat something cold and it won't kill me if I accidentally bite down on it.....and I am looking forward to that. But still, I am a little sad.

Does the tooth fairy come for adults? Should I put it under my pillow?

Funny

Miles hears me say something about $10, he says, "Mami, I want $10", "what are you going to do with $10?" I ask. "Go to store" he answers. "and what are you going to buy at the store?" "Chocolate Milk" boy after my own heart.....

Miles is in the bath, he gets on his belly and says, "I swimmin" "like a whale" and then "ooooooaaahhh" just like dory speaking whale in nemo, oh so cute.....

dependence....

I am sitting here at home on my day off all alone and feeling lonely and sorry for myself because none of my friends ever email me and rarely update their blogs and "How am I supposed to feel connected to them if they don't do those things!?!" and then I realize, hmmm, I haven't posted on my blog in forever, and i rarely email my friends, I am even worse about calling them on the phone. If I want to be connected then I need to reach out. Duh! Maybe I should just go visit people in person.

We are such a technological society that if we don't have an electronic connection to people then we feel cut off. When I was a teenager I drove all over the state of Alaska by myself in my old beat up subaru with no cell phone, no gps, not even a printout from google maps. How often did I get lost or take much longer on these little adventures than planned? All the time, did people worry? Maybe, but it was the way it was. You let someone know approximately where you were going anf approximately when you would be back and off into the wilderness. But now, I have a 35 minute drive to work and I get freaked out that I have no cell reception for part of the drive, like maybe half of it. "what would happen if I broke down?" the real question is what happened to the adventurous brave little creature I used to be? I used to love being alone, driving out to N. Kenai and sitting on the beach at Captain Cook State Park just reading, writing, looking at the ocean. The simple joy of climbing on the rocks and being the "wild Molly in her natural habitat" that my friends used to tease me about. I am missing her.....

Several months ago I attended a workshop on how to do a job search, I likened it to a rehabilitate and release program for wildlife. I felt like a wounded animal, caught in an oil spill that had to be taken in, cleaned up, trained to fend for myself and then set free back into the wilderness. Now that I am successfully living out here I am starting to wonder if I have really been released into some sort of artificial habitat, one that looks real and feels real but isn't truly letting me be my wild self. Or perhaps I just need to find the way to be the alpha and be the one to make the choices for my pack....