wine is the answer

and not necessarily just the drinking of it. I was out pruning today on the property we are working on buying and I realized all of a sudden how at peace I was and how I really didn't want to leave. Something about working with the vines and being outside has an amazing effect on my mood and general happiness. Miles is happy out there too. I can't wait until the property is fully ours and we can let the little boys make themselves at home and teach them where they can be and where they cannot. I want to be able to get up from my desk and go for a walk on the property to clear my head and balance myself. I need it.

I am not happy these days, not content in any way. I go through each day on auto pilot, being nice when I need to be, coming home exhausted to the point where I don't even want to watch a tv show with my husband let alone be romantic or interested in anything else with him. He is feeling neglected and lonely with my new schedule, coming home between 630 & 7 each night is definitely a change in our daily routine. And I don't have the energy or resources to help him adjust when I am having such a time adjusting myself. I know that once Sorelle is up and running that my time will be eaten up and at certain times I will be working incredibly long days and weeks in order to get things done. But the difference will be that I can have my family there with me when needed and I can see them and not be at the beck and call of big corporate job.

Don't get me wrong, my job as a bank teller is working for me at the moment, I am good at it, I am doing well, but its not my career or any place I want to be for long. I love the people I am working with, for the most part. The store manager is fabulous, I think she is not only a genuinely good person but she is funny and good to work with, she gives feedback in a constructive positive way that I can understand. The other teller and the banker are both very sweet and I enjoy their company and appreciate their help and support with work stuff. The service manager is a nice person and I like her, but, she doesn't have very good people skills and I think she often comes off as rude or abrupt when really she just isn't taking the time to think about how she sounds. I often feel like I am in trouble or have screwed up when really all she is doing is asking me if I remembered to do something. I do feel I am turning into a sales weasel, so much of the job is trying to sell things to every customer. I am succeeding, and doing very well for a new teller, but man I really don't like selling crap to folks. For the most part it is banking products that if they use will only help them, but I worry all the time that they don't really understand and are just signing up because we tell them they should...I did get to go to a Blazers game for free though and sit in the bank suite, it was awesome, tons of food and a pretty good game. Mitch and I had a nice night.

All I can do is bide my time and get through it, Sorelle will be up and running soon, I will then be able to do work I will love and live my life they way I want. Thank the universe for the vines, my time there is truly my only time at peace, I am surprised I hadn't realized that before today......

peace out (yeah, yeah, I know, but it seems appropriate)

One little Miles Jumpin' on the Bed

We have done it, Miles is now officially sleeping in a Big Boy Bed........I am sad. My baby is growing so fast and as wonderful as it all is I am sad that I haven't had more time to really enjoy what he has been. Everyday he is bigger and smarter, surprising me with what he knows and how he can do amazing things. I love what he is becoming. I suppose is many ways that is the nature of parenthood and of life, always looking forward to what is coming with eagerness and excitement yet missing the past with nostalgia and longing for what is known and comforting. Is this one of the reasons why folks have more babies? Because they want to recreate what they have had already and loved so much? (funny how easily we forget the sleepless nights, swollen painful breasts and frustrating moments of early parenting, the physical and emotional tolls we pay for the joyful moments we cherish in memory).

Apparently I am in a ponderous mood tonight. I intended this to be a recount of Miles 1st night in his new bed and instead am waxing poetic (badly) about life and parenting. I either need more sleep and more wine, or more sleep and less wine..........I think I will go and figure out which one.

Later