Dead Jim

When I was a little girl my Uncle Jim sent his wife and children to the store and then shot himself in their kitchen. A terrible thing to do, a terrible way to die, he was apparently a terrible man. My aunt is much better off without him in her life and so are my cousins. But, it doesn’t excuse the selfishness of his actions and the negative energy that he sent into their lives that permeates to this day. I would assume that it has been since that day that in the family he has been known as Dead Jim. I am not quite sure how it started and whether it was a way to delineate him from another Alive Jim or if it was just how my family found a way to cope with a horrible thing.

Many of his clothes, including a horrendously ugly 1970’s polyester suit went to my father. For some reason my dad loved this suit, and for many years he would wear “Dead Jim’s Suit” for certain types of special occasions. He was finally convinced to get rid of it I believe some time in the 90’s…..

The reason I think of this today is because of Curtis. My friend Curtis who died in 2006 was a good guy, married to one of my best friends. We all liked him. He took photos at my wedding, made the day memorable and special. He was diagnosed with cancer and about 6 months later he passed away leaving behind his wife and one year old son. We miss him and think about him often.

Christina, his widow, recently cleaned out all of Curtis’s clothes and gave many items to my husband. Luckily no double knit polyester suits that should really only be burned. This morning Mitch asked me what I thought of the sweater he had put on. We are going to my company holiday party tonight so he was trying to look nice. It was a very nice sweater and one I had not seen before so I asked where he had gotten it. He said it was one of Curtis’s. While I was driving to work I was thinking about Mitch and the clothes that used to belong to Curtis and although I know Christina gave them to him, I wonder how she actually feels when she sees them on him. Does it make her think of Curtis? Does she get sad? Is she happy someone can use them? Then I thought of Dead Jims Suit, and I had to wonder what my Aunt Lane thought every time she would see her brother wearing the suit of a man who not only hit her but then took his own life, shattering hers. Although the sweater technically no longer belongs to Curtis, and the suit no longer belongs to Dead Jim, they still do in a way. What does that mean to the living?

Many cultures through history and around the world will bury their dead with all of their earthly belongings so that they will have them in the afterlife. I must wonder if that is the full true reason, or if it also may simply have hurt too much to keep using the belongings of the dead in their everyday lives, when that person was no longer there. I hate to think what I would do if someone that close to me died, but I don’t know that I would be able to keep that much around. I have some items of my Grandfathers but I don’t use them and tend to keep them hidden away. A friend I grew up with died about 5 years ago and I have some little miniatures that he gave me one Christmas that I also have hidden away in a drawer. Every time I see them I get sad that he is gone, but smile at the memory of that Christmas, the last time I saw him.

The dead leave trails in our lives. Their spirits linger, we have strong memories brought about through dreams, smells and images. But they also leave their junk behind, and what is the best thing to do with it. Should we throw it out on the lawn and put up a sign “free dead guys stuff”? Or should we keep it close and hold on to their essence and their smell that they have left behind. Should it be different whether we loved them or hated them, or hated to love them as the case may be?