mothers and daughters

My mom and I have always had a pretty good relationship. By that I mean that we have a great ability to spend time together without any fighting like most mothers and daughters, and that we have some common interest in books, movies and music. I like my mom, she is starting to get a little weird and that drives me crazy, but I do like her.

Recently while my sister was visiting we were talking about childhood issues and it came out how I was always expected to allow my brother to have whatever he wanted and I just had to deal. Example: When I was in middle school my mom had a lot of meetings and was gone in the evenings quite a bit. So, she would leave my brother and I an easy dinner to either make (meaning I made it) or already made. The most common one in my memory is Hamburger Helper Cheeseburger Macaroni......Now I happen to like hamburger helper to an extent, it helped me survive college but to this day I hate with a passionate loathing - Cheeseburger Macaroni. I believe there are a few reasons for this. 1) I had to prepare and eat way to much in those middle school years. 2) I never really liked it anyway, but it was what my brother liked. And that is the one that gets me....it didn't matter what it was, if Mitch wanted it he got it...my feelings on the matter were not important. I remember a night that my mom was getting ready to leave for her meeting and telling me that we would have the nasty ass cheeseburger mac for dinner and me telling her that I hate the stuff. Her response was that "Mitch likes it, so thats what we are having" Of course this could be me rewriting the memory, but thats what I remember....

This is just an example...most things were this way. What we watched on tv, what movies we rented, if I made something for myself (like cookies) I was expected to share no matter what. One time I was so mad at him for being a jerk over my not wanting to share jello with him (yes, jello) - basically I had friends coming over, I made jello as our dessert my dear brother insisted on having some and his response to my no was to hit me and take it anyways. So, I put some of the jello under his pillow knowing that when he climbed into bed he would slide his arm under said pillow to get comfortable. It was great and he was so mad...I of course got into trouble but to this day I think it was worth it.

Back to the point. I was at my moms the other day and she brought up these feelings of resentment I have. She is worried that she and I don't have the relationship that she thought we did because I have hidden anger against her. I explained that I don't really have any anger towards her...I don't even hate my brother the way I used to. I also had to explain to her that because when I was much smaller I had promised her I would never give her the grief that Mitch and Mel did that I tired very hard all my life to not be a pain, to be sweet and kind and giving. And that meant that I sacrificed my own comfort in many situations. I didn't always hold up my promise (see jello incident) but for the most part that has been my role in the family. It wasn't until I was pregnant with Miles that I started to assert myself, and that was only because it wasn't for me, it was for my child.

When Miles is all grown am I going to be worried that things I did to him as a child will still be affecting our relationship? I suppose that will depend on what kind of relationship we have. My mom and I do have a good thing, I even consider her a friend. But at the same time she doesn't really and truly know who I am and where I come from. So many things in my life I have never shared with her or with anyone in my family. I am uniquely me and the role I play when I am the daughter or the sister is not necessarily the true me, just like when I am "employee" or "neighbor" or whatever....they are all parts of the roles we play in life and how we live up to the expectations of those we seek love and approval from. Deep down I am still me, they are all aspects of me. Is this wrong? Doesn't everyone live that way?

The wildness within

I am restless. I am finding myself bored with the predictability of my days. There is a desire to get in the car and just drive and see where it takes me. To quit my job and see what I can do to piece together the income that is needed.

Now don't worry, this is not a desire to flee my family. I am so completely in love with my husband that even on the days where he drives me crazy I wouldn't dream of taking off on adventures without him. And of course the same goes for Miles. How could anyone ever abandon their children? Miles is such a huge part of my heart and my soul. I wonder some f this restlessness is more a product of my worry that we don't give him enough variety in his experiences. He is a child of routine and pattern and I want him to be able to be free spirited and adaptable to crazy new fun experiences.

We went to the state fair yesterday and I think Miles enjoyed it, but he was so uncertain of this new situation that he wanted to be carried the entire time by Mitch and I...that was no fun. But then again, he is not even three yet, I know as he gets older he will be less shy in new situations...or at least I hope so. But what if he doesn't? What if he is always nervous and clingy when we meet new people or go to new places? Have I been too protective of him?

What I would love is to be able to say to my family, "pack the car, we are going on an adventure" and have no argument, no trouble and just have fun. And that it wouldn't matter where we end up. At the end of it we could come home dirty and tired but incredibly relaxed and happy.

Phhhbbbttthhhhhttt.........

updated, so there.

nothing to see here...

Apparently I have been absent from my life for the past month. As friend nudged me for not updating in awhile I guess I will do so.....where am I? hmmmm....

Work: I like my job...and I like the majority of the people I work with. I find it could be my absolute dream job if it weren't for the bullshit. and I am knee deep in it....I will get into that more later. My main work concern is my inability to write a stupid script for a presentation on the Battle of Britain....I know I can do it, but for some reason I keep stopping myself. Grrrrrr!

Family: My sister and nephew were just in town from Alaska, it was good to see them. My mom and big sis now seem to think I harbour deep seated resentment against my brother and mom for the way I was treated as a kid. I der know, maybe I do. Does it really matter now that I am an adult?

Spouse: I love my husband, he is a dear sweet fella who does way more for me than any wife should or could expect from a partner, and I don't nearly appreciate it enough. And he drives me crazy.....

Miles: My child is 2.....need I say more? I suppose I can. He peed on me the other day. On purpose. He was mad at me that I wouldn't let him play with the giant mag-lite and since he was already naked he aimed and peed. Little shithead. I love him anyway. And today I can laugh about it. Time to teach him the "use your words" thing....not that using your words ever makes you feel better when you feel wronged.

Health: I have a terrible cough that is living in my chest and will not vacate. All my coworkers think I am on deaths door and about to drop at any moment. I feel fine, really, I just sound like an asthmatic tb patient who has been smoking for 50 years.

Lets see.....anything else? not at the moment.

Extraction

I used to have nightmares where all my teeth would break and fall out. Upon waking I would be incredibly stressed out. It was horrible. I am not sure what those dreams meant, I always figured that it was a symbol of losing something, or of bad health...not really sure. But now, in real life I am losing a tooth because it has broken twice now and it just can't hold up to the stress anymore. I never thought I would be starting to go toothless at my age and it makes me really sad to be losing a part of myself that I have had for so long. Funny, I didn't feel that way about my appendix, I was perfectly fine with that going away, but then again you don't build the same relationship with a useless piece of intestine as you do with a part of your mouth that you use everyday. Am I being absolutely ridiculous about this? I know that once it is gone I will feel better, it will no longer harbour infection, it won't hurt everytime I eat something cold and it won't kill me if I accidentally bite down on it.....and I am looking forward to that. But still, I am a little sad.

Does the tooth fairy come for adults? Should I put it under my pillow?

Funny

Miles hears me say something about $10, he says, "Mami, I want $10", "what are you going to do with $10?" I ask. "Go to store" he answers. "and what are you going to buy at the store?" "Chocolate Milk" boy after my own heart.....

Miles is in the bath, he gets on his belly and says, "I swimmin" "like a whale" and then "ooooooaaahhh" just like dory speaking whale in nemo, oh so cute.....

dependence....

I am sitting here at home on my day off all alone and feeling lonely and sorry for myself because none of my friends ever email me and rarely update their blogs and "How am I supposed to feel connected to them if they don't do those things!?!" and then I realize, hmmm, I haven't posted on my blog in forever, and i rarely email my friends, I am even worse about calling them on the phone. If I want to be connected then I need to reach out. Duh! Maybe I should just go visit people in person.

We are such a technological society that if we don't have an electronic connection to people then we feel cut off. When I was a teenager I drove all over the state of Alaska by myself in my old beat up subaru with no cell phone, no gps, not even a printout from google maps. How often did I get lost or take much longer on these little adventures than planned? All the time, did people worry? Maybe, but it was the way it was. You let someone know approximately where you were going anf approximately when you would be back and off into the wilderness. But now, I have a 35 minute drive to work and I get freaked out that I have no cell reception for part of the drive, like maybe half of it. "what would happen if I broke down?" the real question is what happened to the adventurous brave little creature I used to be? I used to love being alone, driving out to N. Kenai and sitting on the beach at Captain Cook State Park just reading, writing, looking at the ocean. The simple joy of climbing on the rocks and being the "wild Molly in her natural habitat" that my friends used to tease me about. I am missing her.....

Several months ago I attended a workshop on how to do a job search, I likened it to a rehabilitate and release program for wildlife. I felt like a wounded animal, caught in an oil spill that had to be taken in, cleaned up, trained to fend for myself and then set free back into the wilderness. Now that I am successfully living out here I am starting to wonder if I have really been released into some sort of artificial habitat, one that looks real and feels real but isn't truly letting me be my wild self. Or perhaps I just need to find the way to be the alpha and be the one to make the choices for my pack....